you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
