I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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