Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
