I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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