Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
