i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
