well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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