She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
