I wish I could punch you in the face.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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