as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
