I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
