He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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