Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
