Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You smell like stripper and shame
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
