Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
