What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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