That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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