I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
