Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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