false alarm. still invincible.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
