Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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