I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
