Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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