He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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