um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
