Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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