people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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