Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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