I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
