Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize