I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
