I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
