Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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