Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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