About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
