haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
