They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
