Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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