Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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