if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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