I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
And then my night got REAL pukey
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
