So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
and you fell through a lawn chair
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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