I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
