Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
