ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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