Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
