I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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