Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
