If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
