I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
