What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
