yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
