my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
