Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
please don't ironically join a cult
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