He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
