it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
