my mouth tastes like poor choices
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
