I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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