matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
