When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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