using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
