Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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